Hated For Who I Am

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not,” is a quote by Kurt Cobain.  When Facebook updated a couple years ago and asked me for a quote, that is the one I came across that meant the most to me.

At the time, I was in a relationship that I knew I didn’t want to be in, and I was also putting on a false image of myself because that’s what was expected of me.  All the way up until that point, I had to keep up this image everything being okay when deep inside of myself, it wasn’t at all.  There was an entire portion of my life that I felt like I had to keep hidden because it wasn’t along with the picture-perfect image.

Trying to keep up this image has caused mental health issues for me in the past, and at some point, I have realized that it feels better to just be who I am, grow as a person, and deal with the consequences.  I have people I don’t see or talk to on a regular basis because of this, but is a part of dealing with the consequences and I have learned to think about the possible reactions to my actions, but to do what going to make me happy anyway.

For example, last Thanksgiving my mom and I got into a bit of argument over putting up Christmas lights.  We tend to have disagreements after being around each other for an extended period time, and one person who especially knows that is my brother.  For some reason, this time he decided to jump into our disagreement and cape up for my mom.

Now, I know that she is his mother too, but he knows how I feel about certain situations between her and me.  He has tried to diffuse the situation before, and I have told him it has nothing to do with him, basically stand down.  What he doesn’t know, is that my relationship with my mom has to contributed to a time where I was in a depression so deep, I thought about taking my own life.  I was at a place where being who I am wasn’t accepted or tolerated, so I felt like not being here.

So, with him only knowing what he sees, he felt it was okay to be disrespectful toward me while defending her.  Before I responded, I gave it time because I needed thing about the consequences of my actions.  I ultimately decided to let him know his opinion wasn’t valid.  I did mean when it comes to my relationship with our mother, but he took it in general and to this date, we haven’t had a conversation about anything.

I knew that, one of the consequences could be that we no longer speak, and I still made the decision because it made me feel at peace.  Another quote that means a lot to me is, “let the chips fall where they may,” because it implies acceptance the reaction to the choices that you make.

My advice is to make the decisions that you feel will help you continue on the path to happiness, and accept the consequences.  The only thing you can control is how you act or react to situations, so use your best calculated judgement and let everything else unfold, but as always, IDK THO.

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